adamantlyardent | ic contact

Do I want you to yell at me? No. No, I don't because I'm sure you know exactly how to get to me. To really make me hurt. But at the same time, I know you bottle things up and I think you're the one who deserves the stage here.

Not me.

I just know I deserve what's coming to me.

Ah, yes. My greatest strength, courtesy of my heritage: Spite.
To make things clearer: The only thing you're getting is the time you want to speak. That's what you asked for.
So use it or not.

[He sighs audibly and pinches the bridge of his nose.]

Don't. Do not twist my words, Cecelia. Okay? You damn well know I'm not the type of person to—

[He catches himself and sighs again.]

Look. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the whole house debacle. I'm sorry you keep getting...swept up in crazy antics. I'm sorry that whenever you seem to want or need me to be there, I'm not and I'm sorry that more often than not I fail at bringing forth any seemingly positive change in your life. More often than not, I realize that I hurt you or set you off or misread you and that just makes you feel even worse...more ostracized or...or like your life isn't in your own control.

I realize that despite my best intentions, I always seem to fall short with you. Gifting you your own space only to disappear in front of you. Going off on my own to 'find myself' and leave you to be...kidnapped by creeps.

Turning the only safe space you seem to have found into a walking heap of noise.

I am sorry that...I'm not what you probably wished I would be. And that something is...well, reliable. In fact, the only thing reliable about me is how I seem to make your life crazier than you want it.

So...I'm sorry.

I can sit here and promise it'll never happen again but we both know that I can't control that. That there's more wrong with me than there is right and that...it's hard for me to articulate why I am the way I am.

I'm not expecting forgiveness. I'm not...expecting anything, really.

But if there's one thing you're owed, it's a proper apology....and maybe even an explanation as to why I'm....I don't know. The way I am. But if you're not interested, I get it.

...That's it. That's what I've got...

[after a few minutes:]

You've told me more than you seem to assume you have right now.
But that's neither here nor there.
Thank you.

[He's silent for a few minutes as he reads the response.]

...Do you...

...Do you know why I try so hard to be something to you...?

Because you deem yourself some kind of abomination and are trying to prove yourself otherwise, and for some reason have decided I'm a reasonable litmus test for that.
I cannot stress enough how wrong that is.

...No, Cece.

It has nothing to do with...with how I perceive myself. That's a whole other...

Heh...

That's a whole other...thing. A whole other mess.

No, it's because with everything you've told me...about you, about your heritage, about...about how you perceive yourself...

I've felt that. I know what it feels like to feel so...out of your depth. To loathe yourself to...to wish there were so many better things about you than you perceive there to be...

I know what it feels like...I know how it constricts the heart, like someone's reaching into your chest and just squeezing while whispering in your ear "They're all wrong...you'll never be anything worth a damn..."

I know that feeling and I swore to myself that I would never let someone else feel that way as long as I drew breath...

When I listen to you, I hear a younger version of myself...

And I would give anything to loosen that illusory grip on your heart...

[gods damn him.]

Would that it could be done, but the world doesn't work that way, Darin.
Anything done unto me is something I let happen; I'm not going to dodge responsibility of that anymore.

"Let it happen?!"

Are you kidding me?! Do you really hate yourself that much?! How the hell could you even predict some of the things that happen to you! Do you think you deserve this or something?! Because I can promise you, you don't!

You don't deserve any of this! You deserve to be happy! To smile and enjoy your life, wherever you are!

What you don't deserve is some idiot like me tearing through your quiet life just because I can't get my own act together!

[a delay.]

Is this the part where you conclude that I'm better off without your lot and say farewell for good?

[she was wondering how long it'd take for that to drop. she might've written it out in a few scenarios before torching a spare notebook.]

No, of course not.

I love you, Cece.

Not...Not the way I love, Allura, I mean. I mean, I love you like family.

Why the hell do you think I want to apologize to you?

Family doesn't...

... ... ...

Family doesn't walk away...

[elvish expletive.]

Admittedly, I did not expect that much.

Well, it's the truth.

And I know that you probably don't believe me. I know you have so many other issues with your family that...that thinking of someone like me as 'family' is probably the furthest thing from your mind.

Especially since I've been so lousy at it. How I've hurt you and upset you just by...

By being...me...

[He sighs.]

You deserve better...and I want to be better...

[But I always seem to fail...]

[He keeps that part to himself though. This isn't about him. This is about Cece.]

I'll do anything if it brought a smile to your face.

[another delay; brb screaming into a pillow. then screaming more forgetting it's not even her pillow. HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to the blessed cover of FACELESS TEXT:]

I'll keep that in mind.

[He hangs his head.]

[Man, I really did it this time didn't I...]

...Alright...I...

...I understand...

Wherever you are...I hope you come home soon. And...if you don't want to...I understand that too...

I can make sure your things are safe and...if you want to get any of them, I can make sure I'm somewhere...anywhere...

...else...

I'm sorry I made your life hell, Cecelia...I can't say it enough...

And...if you ever want to give me another chance? A chance I don't like deserve...?

I'll be there to do right by you...even if I have to break the world to do it...

[another ANOTHER delay WOW!!!! HECK! ugly crying takes up time for coherent response!!]

Is everything repaired?

Yeah...we got the house back to its original foundations. Everything's back to the way it was.

I dismantled all of the 'smart home' crap I installed...

...It's done...

Nothing else to worry about...

Did the vanity break?

No.

And I personally repaired anything that was broken in your room. Anything that I personally built.

I...didn't go through any of your things though. I didn't want to accidentally touch something I shouldn't...

If you come back and something is broken, I'll fix it for you...

...Fix it with tools. Not my magic...

[He sighs.]

Don't want a repeat of the staff incident...

[HE'S LEARNING....................]

I see.
Very well, then.
I'll return shortly.

What...really?

Oh ah...give me a few. I'll...I'll head down to the forge or something....

Didn't you just say something about not leaving people high and dry?
Something to that effect.

Well you haven't really expressed a desire to want to see me.

I thought I would give you some space...

Maybe you should ask me about that before just deciding on my behalf.

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